Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just threw up on my dentist
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
