I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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