Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Drunk is a universal language darling
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
