I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The best revenge is premature balding
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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