please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
