why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
