That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
