I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Drake has all the answers
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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