i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
