You smell like stripper and shame
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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