Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Found your dick twin last night
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
