Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
