he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
