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Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
