Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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