i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We have started to decorate penises.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
