the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
