then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We were destined to go to rehab together
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
