I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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