I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
