im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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