Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
