Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
