3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
