My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
