some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
