I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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