I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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