I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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