meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize