i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
this hospital has no fireball
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
