I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
