guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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