My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
