so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
