I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize