where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
