sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Randomize
