All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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