I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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