He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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