Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
