Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
