I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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