I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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