He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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