Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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