More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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