Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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