They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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