my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
