Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
