Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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