You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
