my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
