Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize