I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
