i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
