if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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