If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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